HENLO FREN! How dogs talk online.

Boris the Mini Aussie demonstrates a blop. Or is that a mlem? (Photo by author)

While it is commonly said that cats rule the Internet, dogs are no online slouches. And while cats just sound like grumpy humans in the subtitles on their pictures and videos, dogs exhibit a unique dialect all their own. If you’ve ever browsed a dog video on social media you’ve likely noticed the distinctive grammar and jargon that seems to afflict nearly all pooches once they hit the computer to narrate their adventures.

First off, dogs are terrible spellers. While this is no doubt a function of the incompatibility of canine paws with human keyboards, it can make for interesting reading. Beyond that, their playful happy-go-lucky dispositions (mixed with a bit of sass now and then) require them to use a number of specialized terms not found elsewhere. A dab of internet memes from the non-dog world and abbreviations from texting also get added into the mix. Put it all together and it can be a challenge for mere humans to keep up. I therefore offer this brief guide to some common terms (along with their meanings) you might encounter if you wander into doggo territory:

  • Bamboozle (trick, fool)
  • Blop (sticking out tongue slightly, usually inadvertently)
  • Bop /Boop (tap on the nose)
  • Bork (bark)
  • Chimken/Chimkin (chicken)
  • Clip-Clop Neigh Doggo (horse)
  • Cramker (cracker)
  • Cromchy (crunchy)
  • Dis an Dat (this and that)
  • Doggo (dog)
  • Doing Me A _____ (causing me to be _____, e.g. “” or “”)
  • Floof (fluffy / a fluffy dog)
  • Fly doggo (bird)
  • Fren / Frend (friend)
  • Good Boi (good boy — and there are no bad boys)
  • Heck / H*ck/ Heckin / Heckin’/ Hekkin (darn/very — e.g. “that’s a heckin’ yum treato”)
  • Henlo (hello)
  • Hooman (human)
  • Joosy (juicy)
  • Karen / Linda (a human who is being difficult. Linda comes from this earlier hilarious )
  • Mlem (sticking tongue way out)
  • Pupperino (puppy)
  • Puppers (puppies)
  • R (are)
  • (psyched out, aka tricked, e.g. “I promise I won’t eat this shoe Linda. Sike!”)
  • Treato (treat / snack)
  • U (you)
  • Yum disc (pizza)
  • Yum cream (ice cream)
  • (short energy bursts of crazy running/jumping, technically known as FRAPS — frenetic random activity periods)

Now that you’ve got the basic vocabulary, you can put the pieces together for a proper round of doggo-speak, like this:

Henlo hooman, u gotz any joosy treatos in ur pocketz? Or maybees sum cromchy cramkers? I bork for treatos. BORK! BORK! Still no treatos? Heckin’ Linda, u r not bein my fren today. Wait, u dooze have treatos after all?! I wuz Bamboozled! Phew, u were doin’ me a concern there for a minitz! Mmm, these are delish! Mlem, mlem, mlem….

If you need a more advanced education in doggo-linguistics, have a look at this , this piece from the , or even this on the subject. But if you just want to see some more mlems, have a look , or to watch some terrific doggo-speak in action, check out the exploits of one of my online favourites: the golden retriever.

Lastly, if you enjoyed this article, be sure to check out this piece where I discuss . Seez u at the pupper park soon fren!

Words, kids, dogs, motorbikes, & humour — these are a few of my favourite things. It’s all happening in North Vancouver.

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