49 Reasons I Haven’t Written My Book Yet.

There have been….issues.

(Source: iStock)
  1. I need to pick the right topic. A book is a big commitment and if you start out pointing in the wrong direction you could waste years of effort. Can’t have that.
  2. I need a big block of uninterrupted time to do my best work. Like three or four years worth. Weirdly, none of those convenient multi-year interludes have popped up just yet where I have endless duffel bags of spare cash laying about and simultaneously find myself with zero responsibilities, distractions or human interactions of any kind.
  3. I’m still young — there’s plenty of time. (54th annual edition).
  4. My mouse isn’t working right.
  5. I had that one good idea going a few months back for a children’s book where the mom was a space pirate super-spy with a farting problem but then I kept adding genres to the mix until it was an ungodly hash of every single kids movie and book I’ve ever encountered and …well, you know.
  6. I’m worried that if my farting space-pirate tooty-mom super-spy opus gains worldwide acclaim it might somehow undermine the credibility of my other book idea, a non-fiction meta-analysis of geopolitics and the law, the fall of modern governmental and supragovernmental institutions and the erosion of western democracy in the age of plutocrats.
  7. Space-pirate tooty-mom would actually probably work best as a series. But do I really want to get locked-in to the committment of a full book series at this early stage in my writing career?
  8. The kids wanted to go to the park.
  9. I can’t decide whether I need to plot out the whole story arc in advance, know the ending before I begin, and scrupulously outline the entire thing or whether I can just plop my characters into a situation and try to write their way out. The first way definitely sounds correct. But I read something once where Stephen King said he often uses the second approach and that seems way more fun.
  10. Let’s be frank — my editor has done a shit job thus far of keeping me on track.
  11. I’ve never had an editor.
  12. The repairman is coming today to fix the thing.
  13. I’ll need more printer ink.
  14. I know it’s a book and not a screenplay, but maybe I should get some of those cool little specially-shaped gold paper-clip thingies that aren’t really paper clips that they use for screenplays for binding the draft together.
  15. My editor might get confused if s/he sees the screenplay clip things and thinks it’s supposed to be a screenplay. That would be bad.
  16. Maybe I should turn it into a screenplay?
  17. Should I get an editor before or after I finish my first draft? (Or start it for that matter).
  18. How do I go about getting an editor?
  19. How does self-publishing work?
  20. Is it embarassing to have to self-publish?
  21. Can you even make money writing a book?
  22. Do I get a say in what the book jacket design looks like?
  23. Screw you too Netflix! Waster of time and stealer of souls.
  24. I should probably take a few more writing courses first.
  25. There’s no book tours right now anyways, so I suppose it’s not urgent.
  26. The frikkin’ printer’s busted again.
  27. Eldest child has a trigonometry test tomorrow. Must first try to re-learn trigonometry, then teach kid.
  28. I like big words, but everyone says you have to dumb your writing down. If I make it too verbose no one will read it.
  29. Does anyone even read anymore?
  30. The dog needs to pee.
  31. I’m down to my last Nespresso pod.
  32. The repairman needed to order new parts for the thing and now has to come back tomorrow.
  33. The youngest kid has a doctor’s appointment today and it’s my turn on parent-duty.
  34. It’s fire-alarm testing day in my building. Kill me now.
  35. We’re out of paper.
  36. The whole gold-clips screenplay thing was an idiot idea. I need to find some sort of professional-looking binder/sleeve/container to store the hard copy of my drafts. Nothing in the multi-century history of writing that has yet been used seems quite right somehow. I’d better wander the aisles of Staples one more time in case I missed something.
  37. Never mind hard copies. That’s so ancient history. The real question is what writing software to use. I need to level up on understanding what the options are.
  38. Date night with my missus. We should do this more often!
  39. My coffee has gone cold.
  40. My taxes are due when?!
  41. So many emails from the writing software companies with trial offers, newsletters and writing tips. I’m literally drowning now.
  42. Actually, it’s always been easier to edit on a hard copy. But to do it properly, you need to use a red pen. No, none of these ones are any good. Only the special ones will work. I’ll need to go back to Staples.
  43. The minivan is almost out of gas and needs air in the back tire again.
  44. Middle-child needs to be picked up at the mall and dropped off at volleyball practice. Also, we need more milk.
  45. Oh Man, I have really been ignoring my dog. Shame on me. I am a bad human.
  46. Power outage. Great. That’s just bloody great.
  47. I found these old journals I wrote years ago while I was digging around in a box for the flashlight. Good God I was an idiot.
  48. It’s a gorgeous day outside & I need to prioritize. “Put your own oxygen mask on first” and all that. I’m going to wither up and die if I don’t get some vitamin D.

Words, kids, dogs, motorbikes, & humour — these are a few of my favourite things. It’s all happening in North Vancouver.

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